Who Needs Kinky Sex?


“I like it when she licks her lips, and her dress drops to the floor.”

“I like for him to throw me on the bed and ravish me.”

“I like rigging a rope to the ceiling fan, so I can strangle myself while my partner gets me from behind, dressed like Bozo the clown.”

Of course everyone has a different taste for what they like in the bedroom (or the bathroom), (or the office), (or atop the piano), but here’s the thing:  if you require clown asphyxiation to get you off, you might want to reassess what you do with the rest of your time, because I would guess that your life is lacking in stimulation.

According to a recent episode of Fox’s American Dad, everybody’s got “a kink.”  Of course the definition of what is and what is not kinky is going to vary from person to person.  In said episode, “kinks” ran the gamut from spanking to a strange inference involving an acrobatic midget and a flying weasel holding a rocket pop.

The inference is that everyone requires some kind of “kink” in order to make sex a gratifying experience.  But does anyone, at any point, start wondering whether we’re expecting too much from sex?  Yes, sex is naturally gratifying – it was made to be so on a biological level.  But if you need a horse, a pocket watch, and authentic chainmail from the crusades to get off – it’s no longer sex that is gratifying you.

Here are some things that those in the whips, chains, and inflatable-life-size-smurf community might want to consider.  One would be therapy – not because there is anything wrong with what you’re doing, but a better understanding about what drives it would be beneficial in general.  (Don’t take it personally – my first suggestion to everyone for everything is therapy.  Got a hangnail?  Try therapy.)

Second would be introspection on your job and hobbies.  Are you working to your potential?  Is it possible that the reason you seek out sexual partners who will flog you with geneoa salami while you hang from your home trapeze is actually because, well, proofreading phone books for a living is killing you inside and you should be teaching inner city kids earth sciences instead?  I mean, wind currents are fascinating.

Third I would wonder about your choice of sexual partner.  Have you ever experienced a sexual encounter with a partner who you have genuinely cared about?  Have you ever actually made love?  Instead of thinking about sex as a mode of biological gratification, have you ever conceived of it as a construct of emotional connection or expression?

How would sex change if we propogated it as personal gratification rather than physical gratification?  Then everybody’s got a kink would be transformed from “I like to be spanked and called dirty names” to “I like to be hugged and communicated with honestly.”

Your Sexy Vasectomy


There are two kinds of men when it comes to mentioning the word “vasectomy”:  those who immediately thrust a protective palm over their nether regions and those who have already had one.

If you are among the first population, it is possible that, as protective as you may be of your tender potency, you may be considering getting a vasectomy.  Whatever reasons you may have, it is clear that the one thing more terrifying than having your manhood snipped is hearing those two awful words, “I’m late.”

You’ve already taken the first and most important step in the vasectomy trail – you’ve consulted your doctor.  He’s explained the procedure to you and answered all of your terrified questions.  You’ve read all the clinical pamphlets he sent home (you know, after covering all the disturbing procedure images with blank sticky notes).  But can you be that guy?  Can you walk around town, the office, a truck dealership, knowing you’re no longer potent?

Consider a woman’s perspective on the matter.  (Besides, what is this procedure for if not the T&A?)  Only a man would deride another man for shooting blanks.  To a woman, a man with a vasectomy is a man who possess two inherent traits:  confidence and dependability.

What is the most attractive trait in a potential mate?  If you said high cheek bones, you are very close.  But the real answer is confidence.

It isn’t as though women aren’t aware how important highly functional testicles are to their male counterparts, even if they disagree on principle.  In order for a man to concede to a vasectomy, he has to pry himself away from the stigma that not ejaculating live sperm makes him less of a man.  He has to be comfortable enough with his own masculinity to agree to this permanent change in potency.  Women get that, and that amount of confidence in one’s own masculinity is attractive.

Traditionally, birth control has always been conceived as a responsibility of the woman.  It was the woman who had to take her pill regularly.  It was the woman who had to undergo invasive and debilitating surgery to deem a couple permanently barren.  It was even the woman who had to ask “do you have a condom?” because when all the blood has been redirected south, you tend to not think of anything else.

In the 21st century women have a lot to do.  There is a reason they’re not greeting you at the door with a cigar and a martini when you stroll in from work every night at five-thirty.  Chances are she isn’t going to walk in the door for another half an hour.  Or she’s taking someone to soccer practice, or boy scouts, or is getting the dog groomed.

In the 21st century, knights in shining armor don’t come with a horse and a lance – they come with a toilet brush and a fly swatter.  Anything a man can do to make his female counterpart feel less burdened makes that man immensely sexier.

When a man takes the hard road and relents to a vasectomy, what he’s saying to his female partner is “I’ve got this.”  It is showing her that she can rely on him to take care of things; never having to worry about a pill or a condom again is a huge load off.  (Pun intended.)  You’ve freed her from this particular prison of responsibility.

And in this day and age, That.  Is.  Hot.

“Blowjob on the Lawn” Decision-Making Criteria


It starts with this:  “I’m getting a blowjob on the front lawn!”

Firstly, let me congratulate you on the blowjob.  I think we can all agree, that’s kind of like a mini-Christmas that just popped into your week.  But, though you’re excited, here is at least three reasons why that is probably a bad idea:

1.  This is not your house.  And the guy that lives here really loves that lawn.

2.  Other people still exist around you.  Probably the idea that you might get caught in the act is appealing to you, but that shows a complete lack of consideration for the guy that has to find you.  No one wants to catch you with your tumbly junk out and your naked ass hanging imprudently in the air.  If we did, we’d just install semi-transparent sliding glass door on all our bathrooms and rip them open the moment we saw you leave to pee.

3.  Regardless of where you are, this is probably illegal for some reason or another.  Call it public lewdness.  Call it endangering the welfare of a minor – I mean, you are in suburbia and at least half the windows in your view are owned by children.  And if you so much as bend a blade of grass on that guy’s lawn, that’s destruction of property; I told you.  He loves that lawn.

It is not infrequent when someone is at a crossroads between something they want and something they need.  Sometimes it may be easy to confuse the two; I mean, who doesn’t feel like they need a blowjob sometimes?

But “best interest” is usually a long-term endeavor.  It can be hard to choose what will service you best in life, when it seems like the world is falling to its knees in front of you.  (That one was a bit of a stretch, but I feel like it was worth it.  I mean, three penis references in one sentence?  That’s big.)

Sometimes fulfilling a present want can interfere with accomplishing a long-term goal.  For example, once you’re caught in public with your pants around your ankles, you can no longer pursue your lifelong dream to teach kindergarteners.

When I am faced with a tough decision regarding my wants and needs, I like to ask myself a series of questions, fondly referred to as the “Blowjob on the Lawn Decision-Making Criteria”:

1.  Is this something I can be “caught” doing?  If so, it is inherently a bad idea.  “Caught” results in negative consequences, invariably.  Some of them are punitive, like being arrested for public drunkenness, at least.  Some of them are social or personal, like losing the trust of a friend.  Either way, a price is being paid, and it will never serve you in the long run.

2.  If this is something I can be “caught” doing, but I still want to do it, can I change the time and/or place to make it more acceptable?  For example, could I, instead, just get my blowjob in the privacy of someone else’s laundry room?  There, “caught” is then transformed from “What the fuck are they doing out here?  Uncouth.  Inexplicably uncouth,” to “Sorry, dude, I didn’t know anyone was in there.  …Could you just run that whites cycle, while you’re there?”

3.  Have I been drinking?  Because if I have, I should really wait and mull this over once all my neurotransmitters begin working properly again, and my biological inhibition control turns back on.  Making decisions under the influence might get me a blowjob on the front lawn…or it might get me into a parachute made of Batman bed sheets that I am going to test off my roof.

It’s not a long list, but it’s proven to be a good one to live by.  I’ve never been to jail and am free to teach whatever age child I choose.  And as a bonus, my ass has the crisp smell of freshly laundered, springtime linens.