Lots of women dye their hair. Sometimes it’s a bleach blonde, sometimes a wild, electric pink. None is so enthralling as the firey red, or the alluring deep, deep burgundy. And we see these women, their long, stunning locks falling about their soft skin, and we wonder, “Does the carpet match the drapes?”
My first question is this – why do we have an idiom just about pubic hair? Because we all know what that means: does the color of the hair on your head match the color of the hair on your groin? Is there anywhere else, any other culture on the planet, who invented an entire turn of phrase just to subtly ask a person, “Hey – what color are your pubes?”
Okay, so, let’s say that’s okay. I will just I accept the premise that we can all just go around asking each other about the follicles surrounding our genitals. I get it: curtains hang on walls like your hair around your face, and the hair atop your pelvic region sits like a shag rug.
But, really, what you are trying to unveil by asking “Does the carpet match the drapes?” is whether your hair, which is visible, matches the clandestine fleece of your nether regions, which are hidden. Neither drapes nor carpets fit the bill there.
What you should be asking is something more like, “Do the forks match the fine china?” Like your hair, the forks you use on a daily basis. And, like your pubic hair, the fine china only comes out for loved ones on Christmas and Thanksgiving.
Whether you want to know or whether you don’t want to know, there are always ways to find out. Subtle ways, less offensive ways. But if there is one thing about our quaint little pube-based idiom that is for sure, it is this:
Worst. Pick-up line. Ever.