The Upcoming-Has-Been-Happened Zombie Apocalypse


For anyone who doesn’t follow the news, the world ended about six months ago.  At least it was scheduled to.  On the winter solstice of the year 2012 there was a large and unintelligible hubbub regarding the end of the Mayan calendar, some interpretations calling for the end of days (or something to that effect).

Of course everyone had a different way of coping with the coming of the implosion of the world as we know it.  Some prayed.  Some went on spending sprees and engaged in orgies.  Others outfitted themselves with Kevlar suits, strapped AR15s to their backs, and wrapped a belt of hand grenades and flash-bangs around their waists, preparing for the inevitable zombie apocalypse.

This, of course, was all in vain.  Not so much because the world didn’t end, but more so because, if I have learned anything from popular culture, you cannot prepare for a zombie apocalypse.  On the one hand, I’ve never seen a zombie movie where they knew ahead of time the zombies would be coming.  But, on the other hand, I can tell you that the guy who comes to the party prepared – the guy who is fitted with the necessary weaponry, the guy who is well-studied in whatever calamities are raining down upon us, the guy with all the necessary training and experience – that guy never wins.  Why?  Because we’re Americans, and we love ourselves an underdog.

Don’t get me wrong – we love ourselves a badass too.  If you were escaping from L.A., or happen to be a Terminator fighting another, better Terminator, or were caught in a game of cat and mouse with Alan Rickman – yes, badass would definitely be the way to go.  But we are talking about zombies, so your prowess as a rugged ex-cop/marine/green-beret playing fast and loose with the rules does not matter here.

The point of this cinematic analysis is that, if you really want to prepare for a zombie apocalypse, fitting yourself for ground warfare is clearly not the right survival tactic.  I have surveyed some relevant zombie survival materials (you know, Shaun of the Dead, 28 Days Later, Zombie Strippers…essential texts on the subject) and I have surmised, if you really need to prepare for a zombie apocalypse, these are the three ways that one can:

Your first choice is to go into a coma.  It seems that zombies can’t smell you when you are in a coma, probably because of a diminished activity in brain waves.  This is a sure-fire way to not get eaten.  It also seems that if you happen to wake up from said coma in the middle of a zombie takeover, you are the right kind of ironic hero that will be able to survive, while the mentors you pick up along the way will all die off.  So coma seems like a great choice, you know, providing you can find a way to become comatose without accidentally killing yourself in the process.

Your second choice is to not believe in zombies.  It seems that ignorance is bliss, and, more importantly, idiocy is a survival technique.  The smart guys are a lot like the bad asses we talked about earlier; they can survive for so long, but they are walking on borrowed time.  It seems the purpose of the smart guy, the informed guy, the guy who knows everything there is to know about survival in post-apocalyptic zombiedom – his only purpose in life is to live long enough to impart everything he knows to the guy who waited until his wife got eaten to notice anything odd was happening.

Perhaps, if you are that guy – the guy who knows it all – your best bet is to not share what you know with anyone.  You might live longer.  Providing the coma thing didn’t work.

The last option is to suck it up and realize that you are just not going to be that guy.  The fact of the matter is you are just not going to survive this thing.  A zombie apocalypse means that the world is being overrun by zombies.  And where do zombies come from?  Zombies are just regular people who have been turned into zombies by being bitten by other zombies.  Therefore, the definition of “zombie apocalypse” would suggest that  everyone will eventually become a zombie.  Those are pretty slim odds.  Slim being, like, zero. Your chances of being that guy, that one guy, are so slim they are incalculable.  (Okay, that is hyperbole.  They’re very easily calculable.  But the resultant answer would be so small it would lose all significance.)

Being a person who puts all of her faith in the principles of mathematics, I personally go with this last one; I am well aware that I am not going to survive.  On the other hand, I’m not too crazy about the idea of being eaten by a zombie.  Having blunt, undead teeth gnashed into my skull so my brain can be zombie dinner fodder sounds somewhat unpleasant.

I reconcile this by keeping a cocktail of drugs leftover from my abdominal surgery in the back of my medicine cabinet in a bottle labeled “For the Zombies.”  While I’m not a supporter of suicide, generally speaking, in this lesser-of-two evils scenario, I chose death by sedative drugs over being eaten alive.  Plus it has the added benefit of me not turning into a zombie afterwards.

And, if anything goes wrong, I’ll just end up in a coma – and then I’ll be in pretty good shape indeed.

I Had a Great Post, But Then Some Asshole Bombed the Boston Marathon

I had a great post.  Like, a great post for this week.  But now you are going to have to wait until next week to read all about the upcoming-has-been-happened zombie apocalypse, and all the things you may be able to do to prepare for it.  Why?  Cause some jerk bombed the Boston Marathon.

Of course when one is confronted with an act of terror – whether the perpetrator be a high-profile terror organization, some nutjob with a homemade bomb and a personal manifesto, or my seventh-grade bully, Abonezio – the only way to combat said act is to not allow this act of terror change the way you live or think or act.  Terrorism is only effective if you can be terrified.  So there are those who would argue that I should post my zombie article as I normally would have.

But understand, naysayers, I am not choosing to hold my zombie post in reserve because I feel terrorized.  I am refraining from posting it because no one is paying attention to me right now.  Bubble gum, band aid, rocking horse, sandal.  See what I mean?  No one saw that, because everyone is too busy checking their CNN newsfeeds to see if they’ve found out who the perpetrator is, and what his motives are, or to watch the death/injured count rise.  Or they’re updating their Facebook status to those neat little candles, and “liking” various Boston-Marathon-related items.

Therefore, I am going to hold on to my post, which I worked very hard on and like a whole lot, until next week.  And if we are overrun by zombies and no one knows what to do – well, you can just add that to the CNN newsfeed.  Here is what you get instead:

5 Reasons Why Abraham Lincoln Would Think Helicopters are Cooler than Airplanes

1.  Helicopters don’t fly, they are lifted into the air when their propellers beat the air into submission.  Take that, air.

2.  Helicopters are designed to have supreme maneuverability whereas airplanes are only designed to go forward.

3.  Helicopters explosions are much more exciting to look at.  (Which is good, cause they’re so much easier to smash to the ground.)

4.  Helicopters are easier to smash to the ground.  See, if you cut a helicopter’s engines and the propellers cannot work – thwap.  If you cut an airplanes engines you still have a chance to safely land the thing based on its aerodynamics, depending on various factors.  …doesn’t make for a very good Schwarzenegger movie.

5.  You can land a helicopter anywhere.  It just goes up and down.  Airplanes require a lot of runway space to get up and down.  Airplanes have such codependency issues.

Some of you may be asking, “What does this have to do with Abraham Lincoln?  Why would he think these are the reasons helicopters are cooler than airplanes?”  Cause I say they are.  Go ahead, prove me wrong, smart guy.  You go get yourself a time-travelling phone booth and bring me Abraham Lincoln.  Then we’ll talk.  Until then, I declare these are the five reasons Abraham Lincoln finds helicopters supreme.

…The End.