Who Needs Kinky Sex?


“I like it when she licks her lips, and her dress drops to the floor.”

“I like for him to throw me on the bed and ravish me.”

“I like rigging a rope to the ceiling fan, so I can strangle myself while my partner gets me from behind, dressed like Bozo the clown.”

Of course everyone has a different taste for what they like in the bedroom (or the bathroom), (or the office), (or atop the piano), but here’s the thing:  if you require clown asphyxiation to get you off, you might want to reassess what you do with the rest of your time, because I would guess that your life is lacking in stimulation.

According to a recent episode of Fox’s American Dad, everybody’s got “a kink.”  Of course the definition of what is and what is not kinky is going to vary from person to person.  In said episode, “kinks” ran the gamut from spanking to a strange inference involving an acrobatic midget and a flying weasel holding a rocket pop.

The inference is that everyone requires some kind of “kink” in order to make sex a gratifying experience.  But does anyone, at any point, start wondering whether we’re expecting too much from sex?  Yes, sex is naturally gratifying – it was made to be so on a biological level.  But if you need a horse, a pocket watch, and authentic chainmail from the crusades to get off – it’s no longer sex that is gratifying you.

Here are some things that those in the whips, chains, and inflatable-life-size-smurf community might want to consider.  One would be therapy – not because there is anything wrong with what you’re doing, but a better understanding about what drives it would be beneficial in general.  (Don’t take it personally – my first suggestion to everyone for everything is therapy.  Got a hangnail?  Try therapy.)

Second would be introspection on your job and hobbies.  Are you working to your potential?  Is it possible that the reason you seek out sexual partners who will flog you with geneoa salami while you hang from your home trapeze is actually because, well, proofreading phone books for a living is killing you inside and you should be teaching inner city kids earth sciences instead?  I mean, wind currents are fascinating.

Third I would wonder about your choice of sexual partner.  Have you ever experienced a sexual encounter with a partner who you have genuinely cared about?  Have you ever actually made love?  Instead of thinking about sex as a mode of biological gratification, have you ever conceived of it as a construct of emotional connection or expression?

How would sex change if we propogated it as personal gratification rather than physical gratification?  Then everybody’s got a kink would be transformed from “I like to be spanked and called dirty names” to “I like to be hugged and communicated with honestly.”

Your Sexy Vasectomy


There are two kinds of men when it comes to mentioning the word “vasectomy”:  those who immediately thrust a protective palm over their nether regions and those who have already had one.

If you are among the first population, it is possible that, as protective as you may be of your tender potency, you may be considering getting a vasectomy.  Whatever reasons you may have, it is clear that the one thing more terrifying than having your manhood snipped is hearing those two awful words, “I’m late.”

You’ve already taken the first and most important step in the vasectomy trail – you’ve consulted your doctor.  He’s explained the procedure to you and answered all of your terrified questions.  You’ve read all the clinical pamphlets he sent home (you know, after covering all the disturbing procedure images with blank sticky notes).  But can you be that guy?  Can you walk around town, the office, a truck dealership, knowing you’re no longer potent?

Consider a woman’s perspective on the matter.  (Besides, what is this procedure for if not the T&A?)  Only a man would deride another man for shooting blanks.  To a woman, a man with a vasectomy is a man who possess two inherent traits:  confidence and dependability.

What is the most attractive trait in a potential mate?  If you said high cheek bones, you are very close.  But the real answer is confidence.

It isn’t as though women aren’t aware how important highly functional testicles are to their male counterparts, even if they disagree on principle.  In order for a man to concede to a vasectomy, he has to pry himself away from the stigma that not ejaculating live sperm makes him less of a man.  He has to be comfortable enough with his own masculinity to agree to this permanent change in potency.  Women get that, and that amount of confidence in one’s own masculinity is attractive.

Traditionally, birth control has always been conceived as a responsibility of the woman.  It was the woman who had to take her pill regularly.  It was the woman who had to undergo invasive and debilitating surgery to deem a couple permanently barren.  It was even the woman who had to ask “do you have a condom?” because when all the blood has been redirected south, you tend to not think of anything else.

In the 21st century women have a lot to do.  There is a reason they’re not greeting you at the door with a cigar and a martini when you stroll in from work every night at five-thirty.  Chances are she isn’t going to walk in the door for another half an hour.  Or she’s taking someone to soccer practice, or boy scouts, or is getting the dog groomed.

In the 21st century, knights in shining armor don’t come with a horse and a lance – they come with a toilet brush and a fly swatter.  Anything a man can do to make his female counterpart feel less burdened makes that man immensely sexier.

When a man takes the hard road and relents to a vasectomy, what he’s saying to his female partner is “I’ve got this.”  It is showing her that she can rely on him to take care of things; never having to worry about a pill or a condom again is a huge load off.  (Pun intended.)  You’ve freed her from this particular prison of responsibility.

And in this day and age, That.  Is.  Hot.