“I’m gay. And right-handed. And I prefer Ford to Hyundai, regardless of the MPG.”

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Becoming a gay person is a complicated process.  First there is the whole self-questioning thing, then part where one has to delve into one’s own identity.  Then once you have the self-awareness portion down, you have to go through the whole coming out stage, where you go to all your friends and family and break it to them that you’ll be schtupping people of your own gender from now on.  Then of course you have to buy a Subaru and start shopping at Trader Joe’s – it’s an ordeal.

The question is, why is this “coming out” phase necessary?  We don’t have to have a ritualistic gathering of our friends and neighbors every time we make any other discovery of our intrinsic selves.  There is no, “You’re my best friend so I wanted you to be the first to know – I’m a Giants fan.”  Why is homosexuality put on the chopping block?

Pressure to “come out” to the world is unfairly placed on homosexuals.  In no other realm of your life are you required to expose details of your life to others:

“Frank, I just want to let you know…I really love country music.”

“Jodie, would you please tell Grandma you’re an investment banker?  I’m tired of lying to her.”

You don’t even have to tell people you are a vegetarian unless someone is literally shoving a chicken nugget down your throat.  And, honestly, in that situation being a vegetarian isn’t your biggest worry because that, sir, is aggravated assault.

Homosexuals are fairly easy to pick out of a crowd.  They’re usually the ones who are walking arm-in-arm with someone of their own gender.  That is more or less the definition of homosexual.

So couldn’t it just happen like this:

“Gerald, did our son Leonard just leave for prom with another boy?”

“Yes, dear.”

“Hmm.  Could you please pass the TV Guide?”

And you’re like, “Of course not, stupid.  No one reads TV Guide anymore.”

The point is that since we know that someone who is a homosexual is someone who will be dating a person of the same sex, can we not just infer this when Brian starts bringing guys home to meet his parents rather than girls?

Because here’s the thing – before he decides to bring Peggy Sue home for the parental meet-and-greet, there is no requisite sit-down with Ma and Pa where he has to calmly explain to them, “Mom, Dad – I’m a heterosexual.”

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4 thoughts on ““I’m gay. And right-handed. And I prefer Ford to Hyundai, regardless of the MPG.”

  1. It took me a year and a half to honestly admit that I am a blogger. I assume it’s much harder for people who have to come out about something of much greater significance.

  2. I loved this. But the fact that the majority of people are straight means that without ever asking the assumption is that you are too. Hopefully though one day it’ll be like left handedness in that it’ll just be something you show by doing and everyone gets on with their lives. Hopefully that’ll also be a time without clumsy analogies.

  3. The only thing I can think of that’s made to be even the slightest bit similar is political affiliation. As in, “What do you mean you’re a Republican? We thought we raised you so well!”

    Re: the last image – I’ve also heard, “There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can’t.”

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